Open your eyes and look at me.

Kelsea Cole’s secrets:
“Dear, dear diary, I wanna tell my secrets. You’re the only one that I know will keep them…” -p!nk

So, I’m Kelsea Cole. And this is a list of my secrets and a brief description of why they’re secret.Well, some of them will probably speak for themselves. I’ll do what I want and you’ll have to go with it. So this is really me…chewed up, spit out for you to see the real me. Do as you please after reading. This is just to get it off my mind. From my heart to yours…secrets. Ok; goodbye. 

  1. I don’t believe in falling in love. I’ve seen “love” die too many times to believe that it could be anything but a fairy-tale. 
  2. I think there’s one person for everyone and all those other people are a waste of your time. Make “the one” be “the only.”
  3. I’ve never been dumped. I’m 17 years old. I’m a heartbreaker. It’s always my choice to be in the relationship and my choice to end it. I like it that way.
  4. People never fail to amaze me with their stupidity. Sometimes, I just stand back and observe, saying “Really? Really?! Wow.” I hope that I’m not the only one.
  5. I’ve never actually told a boyfriend that I loved them out loud. My heart is reserved and I’ll never SAY it to anyone. I hardly even tell my friends that I love them. Or family.
  6. I like to make people feel better because I wish they’d do the same for me. 
  7. I quit music because I was sick of hearing my family tell me to shut up and my brother telling me that I was no good and that I sucked. Now they tell me that I’m stupid for ever having quit because I was “talented.” I just laugh.
  8. I love blue eyes, but that’s not very secret. They just seem so exotic to me… :D
  9. I’m not really as great as people think I am, honestly.
  10. If I were anyone else, I would probably not be friends with me.
  11. I’ve been counting down the days to my 18th birthday for a VERY long time. I want to move out.
  12. I’m usually attracted to people that piss me off. They just get me all angry and anger brings out some…interesting qualities of mine.
  13. I have nothing keeping me sane right now.
  14. I love making lists. It’s my only way of organizing my mind.
  15. School is really just an escape from home; I try to excel there because it’s something I can be good at for once… maybe.
  16. I’ve cried myself to sleep plenty a time before. I just like to pretend that I don’t cry so nobody knows. Well, they know, I guess, because “everybody cries sometimes,” but they probably wouldn’t expect/suspect it of me…
  17. I don’t have a religion. I used to believe in God and the bible, but I never classified myself as a Christian and I don’t shove my beliefs down anyone’s throat.
    I no longer believe in God, the bible, or anything else. 
  18. I’ve never smoked anything. I never will. In my opinion, pot is flippin’ stupid and cigarettes smell like the utmost shit. Seriously. I just can’t. Besides, I’m allergic. HA! Ok, look at the end, this has been updated. :p
  19. I say things I don’t mean A LOT.
  20. When I change the subject, that means you need to press the subject ‘cause it’s bothering me and (though I’ll tell you differently) I really am dying to talk about it… Most of the time, that one is true.
  21. I’ve drank alcohol before. Mmmmmmm. Vodka’s my favorite so far.
  22. Sometimes, I wonder how long it would take for my family to notice I’m missing if I ran away…
  23. “It may not be my weekend, but it’s going to be my year.” I still haven’t had that year yet. But I’ve had a lot of “not my weekends.”
  24. I hate looking in mirrors. I do it frequently, though, because I’m trying to find something good about myself. I never can…
  25. I try to keep an open mind at all times…
  26. I’m opinionated. When I feel a certain way about something, it’s extremely hard to change my mind about it.
  27. I can listen to songs on repeat for hours before I get bored or annoyed of it.
  28. I’ve been threatened by a family member with a knife…
  29. I’ve been in fights. I love the thrill of it.How the adrenaline kicks in and you don’t feel the pain so much until later… I’ve never really gotten in trouble for it before, either. (;
  30. I don’t think I’ve ever had a best friend before, not a true one. Maybe my non-cousin cousin Cory Marie. Hahaha. (Sorry. Family inside joke.)
  31. People get sick of me after a while and quite easily. Certain things about me frustrate them merely because they do not understand me.
  32. No one understands me because I won’t let them.
  33. I’m not really a people-person, but I’m good at faking it. People kind of annoy me, but I’ll always have a smile for you.
  34. I’ve always thought that I’d be so much prettier if I was skinnier.
  35. “It’s just another one of those nights” is every night for me, basically. My pain never really takes a break.
  36. I only love approximately one person on this entire planet with my entire heart: my grama. (: Yet, she doesn’t even know half of these secrets… She knows a lot, though. She’s great.
  37. Sometimes, I wonder what would happen if I took over the amount that you’re not supposed to exceed on medications…
  38. Often, I pretend like I don’t have feelings so that people feel like they can’t hurt me. They tend to trust a lot easier that way.
  39. I used to sing.I used to sing beautifully.
  40. I’ve gone multiple days without eating anything.
  41. If you ask what my biggest fear is, I’ll most likely tell you that it’s basements because they’re creepy. Really—and obviously, secretly—it is happiness.
  42. Words come to me very easily for no known reasons.
  43. I don’t like thinking about my childhood. It was only happy until my mother took me completely away from my grandparents.
  44. I like being different, but I hate having scars.
  45. I’ve learned to be content with nothing.
  46. My biggest secret, my favorite number. Well, as a young child, I was molested by my neighbor, Charlie. He was maybe 40. He knew what he was doing when he did that to me. It was maybe more than ten years ago, but I can’t let it go. It makes me sick to think about it. The bastard deserves to be locked up. But I won’t tell because I’ve tried to before and mother didn’t believe me. Then I decided that I didn’t want to ruin his entire family like mine was ruined when… nevermind. It just haunts me to think that he could being doing it to his beautiful little granddaughter. What a sick fuck. He can rot in hell and it would be ok with me.
  47. I have a semi-photographic memory. Haha. I can’t remember details, colors, or places that well. But I can remember everything (well, almost everything) you say to me. Certain words, phrases, and sentences you say to me are still floating around in my mind. In your voice, my dear.
  48. I’ve always kind of wanted to be famous…now, I’m not so sure. 
  49. Someday, I want to die dramatically.I want to feel important, even if I have to wait until after I’m dead for that feeling. I want my death to be on the news. If that means the excitement of being murdered, then hells to the yes.
  50. I’ve never been “in love” and doubt I ever will be.However, one time, I loved a man with a large part of my heart, but I don’t believe that I was in love. I just loved him. He was my best friend…
  51. I’ve accidentally cut my head open a few times as a child… :O
  52. I don’t believe in love, but I love reading love stories. Gosh, I’m just such a marshmallow.
  53. I’ve always imagined myself being the damsel in distress… waiting for someone to save me. I love the idea of a hero,and I know I’m not strong enough to be my own hero…
  54. I have a tiny little lisp. I guess that wouldn’t be that much of a secret if you talked to me, though.
  55. If I didn’t have to leave my room, I wouldn’t. It’s my asylum most times. But it’s not always a safe place for me…
  56. I don’t have a particular taste in music. I will listen to anything.
  57. I have a lot of “friends,: but none that I feel particularly close to. Maybe a handful… maybe.
  58. I want tattoos someday. I don’t even care if it hurts. I’m tough. But I will have to wait until 18 for this one. :/ And I can’t have obvious, obnoxious, flashy tattoos, because I want to be a teacher and it’s not “professional.”
  59. I’ve never met my real (biological) father.
  60. I lose my train of thought a lot. Sorry.
  61. I sing in the shower… even when I’m sick. I just can’t help it. (Hahaha. I’m such a loser.)
  62. My daddy (adopted one) was in a car accident when I was 10 or 11 and totaled the nicest car we’ve ever had. It wasn’t his fault, though. I woke up and no one was home except my brother, my grandmas, and myself. Dad could have died that morning because someone hit him.
  63. I was once diagnosed with insomnia. I took all types of medicines for it. It went away with willpower and determination (and a little Melatonin). Now I sleep too much. Haaa.
  64. Ok, this is another one of my biggest secrets ever because this is my second favorite number. Haha. (I don’t mind talking about this one so much because I believe that it has made me stronger. Well, here it is…) You know how some people say “I was and always will be an alcoholic” even when they’re sober, because it’s a part of their past and it’s a struggle they still live with? Well, I was and always will be a cutter. It’s something that I live with, even though I don’t cut anymore, it’s all-too tempting at times. I started in the seventh grade and I will be in 11th grade this year, so… it’s been a long time I’ve been struggling with this. And it’s something I’ll always struggle with. It’s a part of me, the scars, the thoughts, the memories, and the pain. So. There it is, my second biggest secret.
  65. I have not cut myself since December 2010 or January of 2011… 
  66. I struggle with depression. When I first told someone, I went to the doctor, and they thought I was bipolar. I am not. I’m just manically and frequently depressed.
  67. Taylor Lautner is one of my biggest star crushes. Bahaha. I can’t help it. I’ve had a thing for him since Sharkboy and Lavagirl.
  68. I prefer Disney movies over any other kind of movies and won’t watch scary movies because I’m afraid I’ll get scared.
  69. Yes, I’m a virgin. :P Sorry. This one HAD to be sex-related.
  70. I can’t stand my family. I want to leave here.
  71. When my grandpa died (two or three years ago), I was more depressed than I’ve ever been in my life. It was the summer before I started high school.
  72. I’ve never read the Harry Potter books. I watched some of the first and third movies, but nothing else. I will read them, though, I promise.
  73. Sometime within the next 7 years, I must give one of my friends (,Kelli) a chocolate bunny. (I don’t even know where you can buy those other than at Easter time!!)
  74. I’m a very sexual person. (; Hehe. But no, really. I am. It’s annoying to people.
  75. I am also very, very, very awkward at times and I think it’s really funny.
  76. My brother’s name is Kory and my sister’s name is Cory. Haha. That one is fun. My parents were hippies. (; Hahah, not really.
  77. I weigh more than I should.
  78. I’ve been disappointed a lot in life, but I try not to let it get to me.
  79. I’m really tough, but that’s because I have to be. If I weren’t, I would be eaten alive.
  80. Apparently, I have an amazing outlook on life. But I don’t know if that’s true.
  81. I’m a realist. It’s not that I look at things and see what could go wrong, it’s just that I know what will actually happen if you’re serious with yourself.
  82. I’m not afraid to say how I feel. Ever.
  83. Sarcasm is one of my most amazing talents.
  84. I want to be married once. If that doesn’t work, I won’t let myself be with anyone else. I won’t go through 39482349 divorces.
  85. The oldest guy I’ve dated was 4 years older than I am. I don’t date younger guys.
  86. I’ve kissed a girl. Or, been kissed by a girl. I don’t remember how that happened. Maybe it was mutual.
  87. I have been drunk before. It was an interesting time.
  88. I love someone very much, even though they don’t love me anymore…
  89. I’ve made out with a guy that was 25…when I was 16. Yeah, it was wrong. And yes, he wasn’t the best kisser. He has two kids, no GED, and yeah. It was an interesting experience.
  90. I have wanted to die many times in my life.
  91. I don’t think I’ll live past 25.
  92. I really want to be happy someday, and get married and live in a pretty little house out in the country by a river, and have kids, and just…be happy.
  93. I like to read…a lot. You could say I’m a bit of a freak about it. I haven’t so much lately, but when I can actually get off Tumblr, then I will read. I have a pile of unread books under my bed, and once I read them, I put them on my bookshelf.
  94. I have only owned two phones in my lifetime… I didn’t get my first one until my freshman year of high school…two years ago.
  95. I hope to move out when I’m 18, but probably won’t move out until after graduation, simply because I can mooch off of my parents before I have to leave for college.
  96. I use terms of endearment a lot. “Sweetheart,” “doll,” “dear,” “angelface,” “hun…” Any and all of them, I have used or plan on using. Haha.
  97. If you call me “darling,” I will melt. Something about that word. And “baby girl.” Haha. I’m such a girl sometimes, sorry.
  98. There was a time in my life that I was getting into so much trouble so that my parents would pay attention to me like I wanted them to, that they threatened to send me to a Catholic school… even though we’re very NOT Catholic. I was infuriated by this, but it didn’t really make me behave better.
  99. I love writing. I write novels. They’re not good or anything, but I have a HUGE pile of notebooks in my room… Last time I counted, there were over 80. And the majority of them are full to the point where I can’t fit anything else in them. Again, nothing good. Yet.
  100. All of my favorite things tend to be sad. My favorite movie, my favorite books, favorite quotes.
  101. I have over a hundred quotes written down in a notebook. They don’t do anything for me, but they make me really happy when I read them. Even though they’re mostly depressing.
  102. I really am my own worst enemy.
  103. I’m not a dog person or a cat person, really. I’m allergic to cats, but they’re kinda cute, and I’m terrified of big dogs. And most little dogs are annoying. But I like my dogs. They’re wiener dogs. :D I like medium dogs. 
  104. I love gay people and admire the strength that they have to put up with bullying. Everyone has a right to love who they want. And if that means someone of the same sex, then go for it. FUCK HATE. <3
  105. I am 5’4 and 1/2 inches. -______-
  106. It’s incredibly possible that I’m going to marry someone in some branch of the military, a cop, or a firefighter or something. I think they’re all damn sexy and brave. I respect someone who wants to protect people. Maybe part of me wants someone like that so that they can protect me from hurt…
  107. I think I’m really fat and ugly. I’m not ACTUALLY fat, and I could be worse-looking, but it’s still in my head that I don’t look like any of those pretty girls, that I’m not the one that gets all the guys, that I could be better in so many ways.
  108. I don’t really fit into a clique. I’m a little bit of everything, and I like a little bit of everybody.
  109. AGH. I don’t have big boobs. It’s really weird, considering that everyone in my family has huge boobs, and then there’s me. Not little…just… average, I guess.
  110. This is another favorite number, so I’ll post another big secret. And actually, nobody knows this one at all. Except you faithful readers… If there are any. Anywho. Here’s the thing. I’m straight. But lately, I don’t know anymore. It’s not that I’m suddenly gonna be a lesbian or anything. The thing is… I just don’t know if I’m bisexual… I mean, I find girls attractive sometimes. But I can’t see myself actually being with a girl. I don’t know. I don’t think I’m bi. It’s just something that I have been…wondering about? Questioning? I don’t know. I don’t think anything will change in the way that I swing. I love men. A lot. Like, a lot a lot. And that’s something I won’t give up. But… I don’t know. This is weird.
  111. I may look sweet and innocent, but I swear like an experienced sailor. n_____n
  112. I like texting, but I don’t really do it that often anymore. I would love to start texting some random people off of Tumblr, though. You all seem so amazing. Actually, I text three people that I don’t know off of Tumblr right now. And I love it. They’re wonderful people. <3
  113. Hmmm. I’ve gotten fairly quiet since I got my heart broken. I just…don’t really have any reason to talk anymore. I don’t know. It’s strange.
  114. I may want to die a lot, but I’ve never actually attempted suicide. I’ve wanted to. But I don’t really want to die. In my heart, I know that I really just want to be saved.
  115. I want someone to find me beautiful. I want someone to make me feel beautiful. I know that beauty is really how you feel about yourself and it’s completely a personal thing, but… I don’t know. It’s just so hard for me.
  116. I don’t like one single thing about myself. Any part of my body. My hair looks good sometimes, but that’s honestly the only thing I could like…
  117. When I’m writing in capitals, I won’t use a capital I. i WiLL WRiTE LiKE THiS. And it’s stupid and psychologically strange. It’s because, in kindergarten, they taught us to use capital I’s when talking about oneself. Smart-ass little me asked why, and the teacher said “it’s because you’re important.” I’ve never felt important, so I feel like I don’t need that capital I. And yes, I do it when typing normally because it’s proper and I’m going to be an English teacher, so I have to do this shit right.
  118. I have no idea where I’m going to go to college at. Or where I’m going to get the money to pay for it.
  119. I cut today. On my inner, right thigh. I know that #65 says that I haven’t for a long time, but I did today. I was really upset about how controlling my parents are. And when I feel out of control, I have the desire to cut because it’s one thing I can actually control. The pain is all I have…
  120. I was given a laptop by my grandpa. He wanted me to have it when he died, so I could continue my writing. But my parents took it over once they realized the thrills of the internet, and they became the administrators and put time restrictions on the computer. The time restrictions were 1-8pm. Now, today, I can only get on at 4. I don’t know what time I get kicked off yet.
  121. I wear contacts and I usually sleep with them in. I’m not allowed to get new glasses until September… I got new glasses and I love them. 
  122. My name is an acronym for some of my mother’s high school friends.
  123. I just may be the first woman in four generations (on my mom’s side) to not get pregnant at 17. Turns out, I was the first.
  124. I don’t like watching tv. There are only a few shows I’ll watch. And I have seen at least 1/2 of the movies that regular people have seen. But I like Disney movies. (;
  125. I’ve never actually been on a date before. I’ve had boyfriends. I’ve just never been asked out on a date. 
  126. I have three pillow pets. (Which is why I’ve never been on a date. Bahahahaha.)
  127. I don’t like her, but I still think that Miley Cyrus is seriously just gorgeous.
  128. I have all of my kid’s names picked out already. I have since I was, like, 12. I want five kids. Eli Jacob, Grace Anne, Matthew Peyton, Aiden James, and Naomi Lynn. And I want twin boys. I think it would be fun. Because I’m weird and crazy like that. I still love those names, but I have different names in mind now. <3
  129. Just one time, I want to be that girl that posts a picture of herself that gets 100 notes. I don’t even want 14884520348984 or whatever. Just 100. I think I would actually cry. (Out of happiness, though. Of course.)
  130. My birthday is the day after Christmas. We’ve never actually had a party for it until the summertime…
  131. I got my first and only iPod on my 16th birthday. It was an old one that my friend owned (but she got a new one the day before…), but it was in really good condition and I love it. <333
  132. Although I write novels, I hardly ever finish them. I get bored and start a new one.
  133. My brother is getting bigger now that he’s a teenager. And he hits me. A lot. Leaves bruises. But it’s ok. I don’t think he means to be so rough…
  134. I am terrified of getting a paper cut in my eye. Like, seriously. I don’t even know why. But when I start thinking about it, I get all freaked out and covering my eyes and stuff. I think it’s a strange little phobia of mine.
  135. I haven’t really told this to many people, but there are silly reasons for me wanting to live in South Carolina someday. I’ve never been there, but I read a lot of Nicholas Sparks books (it’s my goal to read all of them) and all of his books take place there. He makes those small little towns sound so charming and romantic, and it just sounds right for me. It’s lame, I know. I have no idea if I’m really going to live there someday.
  136. I’m going to stay a virgin until I’m 18… I know it sounds silly, but I have insanely bad luck. And I would be the one to get pregnant the first time I had sex. So, when I’m 18, I’ll be able to handle it if I did have a baby. I’d be out on my own, at least. It would be better that way. I’d be done with school. It makes sense to me, at least.
  137. I miss dirty texting…SO MUCH. Seriously, I love it. And I have no one to sext anymore. Not even like, pictures. Just those dirty conversations…
  138. I am healing from a broken heart. It’s almost healed, but then I have those moments where it all crashes down again, you know?
  139. A drug addict used to live with us…for quite a while. Until it got too bad and mom kicked them out.
  140. I haven’t dated anyone since May/June of 2010. I’m currently dating someone.
  141. When I see someone in true pain crying, I cry, too.
  142. I cry when I watch sad movies. Sometimes, I watch them when I’m really upset just so that I can cry and not have anyone ask me what’s wrong.
  143. I am hoping that I’m in some sort of freak accident or something and die because it would be a lot better for my parents to explain that, then for them to tell people I killed myself.
  144. I am going to extremes to make myself lose weight… 
  145. I have lost ten pounds so far by not eating right.
  146. I have smoked marijuana before, multiple times.
  147. I have made myself throw up before.
  148. I don’t plan on living past the age of 25.
  149. I am so afraid that I’ll end up completely alone someday.
  150. I always wonder if there is anybody out there that is crazy enough to ever love me for the rest of their life.
  151. I am so sick of having crushes on people. Ugh.
  152. I’m starting to fall in love. And I don’t believe in that stuff, so this is big.
  153. I have tried to commit suicide.
  154. I think I’m in love with someone. I know it sounds crazy, because I don’t believe in it. But he is so, so perfect for me. I think he’s seriously the one and I know it’s all so crazy. I still think it’s insane.